Life in the Cage: Gettin' toasted or roasted? (Week 4)

Hello again and Welcome back to Life in the Cage (LITC)! LG's only media made for goalies by a guy that masquerades as a goalie. To reiterate we here at LITC are not interested in the straight facts. We give exactly zero fucks whether you like what we write or not (Not true I need your love). This is produced for the sole purpose of providing a hopefully entertaining and goalie-centric article for you to poop too.

I didn't realize I had to write this disclaimer each week but I guess I do. *** This is for entertainment purposes only. Do your best to be a big boy/girl and keep your tender bits salt free. I really don't care if you think this is crap I enjoy it and so do the vast majority of my readers. ***

Ok mom are you happy now? Why can't you just love me like other kids moms? On with the show!!!

Week 4 is in the books as they say and it was interesting to see the shift. Players that were not on the old LITC radar in past weeks became known quantities and were brought front and center. Some of those guys will be happy landing in the STUDS. Others.... Well others are what I affectionately call...

DUDS:

Three new dudes enter the dud dome this week. Leading the charge down the path to Dudleyville is my teammate and a man who hit the floor hard in week 4 grabbing a uninspired 0-3 record. I feel conflicted writing about a teammate is a negative fashion as I want to support my guys and help push us forward. Dammit were family! But the stats are the stats and those stats were kiss your cousin ugly. @DarkExpert2 of Stockton got run up to the tune of 14 goals against on just 37 shots in those 3 games. Pull out your calculators and do the math on that and your in the 4.67 GAA and 62.2 sv%. Whatcha gonna do brotha!


Second on my list of guys that need to get it together is @Brett R formerly of San Jose but now of Stockton via waivers.(See a theme here folks?) Brett has had a rough go of it this season but then again who in San Jose hasn't? Brett suited up for just 2 games this week but that didn't stop him from allowing enough goals for 3 games. #Overachiever. Brett brings with him to Stockton a week 4 stat line that looks a little something like this 67.7 sv% and a 5.01 GAA. Whatever you do Brett don't take any advice from that Notorious guy. It just didn't work out for the last guy in your spot.

Finally. Finally I get to shit talk my pal @Viva La Rangers. Viva is a talented keeper but I think he was feeling neglected by old Notorious and wanted to get noticed. Well this is the wrong way to do it. Week 4 was unkind to old Viva delivering a 1-1-1 record. It should be noted that the lone victory came from an already defaulting Barracuda team. with a 72.7 sv% and 5.34 GAA Viva found himself on his way over to Chicago (His 3rd team this season) via trade this week. Viva I may need to give @Darcy Kuemper's sponsor a call and see if we can get you situated in that rehab facility. It certainly worked for him.

You take the good, you take the bad. You take them both and there you have...... Life in the Cage. Well really you get the facts of life sitcom but that doesn't sound as good in here. (that Tootie was so cute!)


STUDS:

I'm gonna get the STUDS started with a tandem. (No @Im_Faces this isn't your part) The two guys I wanted to talk about could each easily have their own write up but I wanted to keep the list to 3 guys so as they are teammates they got lumped together. Charlotte had a great week between the pipes thanks in no small part to @Ratty68 and @DA JABR0NY. Jabrony laid the smackdown on the competition going 4-1-1 and submitting his stat line with a 83.1 sv% and a championship calibur 2.28 GAA! Ratty was no slouch himself and grabbed the back up starts going 2-1 with 2 SHUTOUTS in limited work. His lone blemish came at the hands of the heat but he still came out of the week with 80 sv% and 2.36 GAA. Well done Checkers.


Also debuting here this week is Rochester's own @B4NKS. Banks shot to prominence last season with the surprising Hershey Bears and he's now stifled the doubters by having yet another sparkling season. Backstopping the Americans to a 3-1-1 record this week he robbed the competition with a tidy 81.9 sv% and a 2.55 GAA. If he keeps performing like this he will quickly become known as a "bank"able goalie for years to come.

Last but definitely not least in our STUDS category this week is @Ranger x 28 from the Tucson Roadrunners. Although his competition threw plenty of rubber his way (63 shots) this week Ranger stood tall stopping nearly everything and posting a real sweet 87.3 sv%. Conversely when you allow just 8 goals on the week you undoubtedly deserve to enjoy a 2.26 GAA and the kudos from the usually vicious Notorious. Ranger has been hot the last couple weeks and was narrowly passed over last week by myself. I'm glad I was able to acknowledge you in week 4.


TAG TEAM:

After weeks of politicking, self promotion, late night text messages and grovelling he has finally dragged himself and now his partner back onto the page of LITC. Hartford's dynamic duo of @Tatar l21l and @Im_Faces have managed to propel the Wolf pack to the second best record in all of the AHL to this point. Looking like a 1A and 1B pairing both men believe they are the starter in Hartford. Well as I'm sure everyone knows there's always a starter and a back up so who's who? If you go by starts it's got to be Tatar. If you are looking into the stats and judging purely by W's and L's then Faces is the clear choice. I don't have the answer to this complex scenario but please feel free to vote in the LITC poll as to who your choice for starter would be.

Seeing as he has taken the lead in terms of getting himself written about I'll start with Faces. Leading the pack in wins with a 14-2-1 record and a miserly 84.6 sv% faces has been efficient during his time in the crease. Add to that a 2.11 GAA average and you have to imagine he's bought his D men more than a few virtual cold ones. Tatar is not to be taken lightly either with a decent 11-6-2 record along side a 2.76 GAA and 80.8 sv%.

Perhaps Tatar is matching up with the stiffer competition? Maybe faces is legit? Either way seems like a goalie controversy if brewing in Hartford.



Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages! Actually lets have the kids leave the room for this last section. It's time!!! Head on out to the garage grab your favorite hammer and let's crush a cock!


COCKHAMMER:


This weeks hammering brings me no pleasure at all. This weeks victim was a former TC Hero and a guy I had high hopes for. It appears he has fallen on some hard times in recent weeks and if that happens you should check to make sure you have paid up your penis premiums. My choice this week to have his flaccid flopper smashed is @AirB0rneFaTheR of St John's. As I mentioned earlier he was one of my week 2 TC Heros and in that article I suggested he get a shot as a regular starter. Well now I regret doing that to this poor man. I feel I've built him up and now it appears the pressure was just to much for our military dad. Compiling a 2-3 record on the week in itself is disappointing even though it came against stiff West Central competition. But a stat line that looks like 67.9 sv% and 4.71 GAA is bad no matter how you slice it. Now having a bad week is not necessarily reason enough to get hammered but having a steady decline since your week 2 breakout? To quote one of the early 90's best MC's - Alright Stop!.......HAMMERTIME!!! Get that lil' guy bandaged up and back into the battle Airbourne. To pass on some sage advice from the wise MC Hammer..... You got to be 2 legit. 2 legit to quit!


Until next week.... Be BIG. Be square. Be soft!

NotoriousFAT 00

 

I'm not even bitter about the article lol but let me state this me and faces had similar records and I believe it was week 3 I went 0-3-1 and in 3 of those games I had no goal support so just a tip don't just look at goalie stats look at how the team plays as well in one game alone he had more goal support than I had in 3 games but once again not upset because how could I be? I made a crazy move that many would call stupid when I did it and I got @Im_Faces as a goalie and not only is he killing it between the pipes which is great! He helped me a lot building the team and I mean a lot! So happy to have him and let's go Hartford

 

If by 'helped' you mean I gave you a list of players and you went and got them.. Yeah I helped.

 

That is kinda what I was saying ☺️

 

YES MY SON RANGER X 28 IS A STUD. IM SO PROUD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT IN MY LIFE.

 

Ya...... For sure there's no goalie controversy in Hartford.

 

Hartford orrrr Pittsburgh Penguins 2016?

 

Jesus just look at how far this league has fallen for @Ranger x 28 to be mentioned as a stud for something... And for being a goalie nonetheless. RIP LG

 

Penis

 

This was literally how I started the article.

Hello again and Welcome back to Life in the Cage (LITC)! LG's only media made for goalies by a guy that masquerades as a goalie. To reiterate we here at LITC are not interested in the straight facts. We give exactly zero fucks whether you like what we write or not (Not true I need your love). This is produced for the sole purpose of providing a hopefully entertaining and goalie-centric article for you to poop too.

 

Always entertaining keep up the good work !