Media Vol. 6, Issue No. 1 — We're Back Baybee!

Imgur Link: http://i.imgur.com/BJvLQxu.jpg



Week 1 Power Rankings

By Duey912
LGFA Extra Time Reporter
1. Sporting KC (Preseason Champs)
@KCNightshade took very good notes during these TC games, as he drafted some unknown players such as IRichMoney 19. Coming out with 15 foals for with @eLeX Lazer blazer keeping the team going, and 3 against with KC controlling the back line. This team will be no joke to play against this season.

2. Philadelphia Union
A lot of hocus pocus going on in this corner, as no one could’ve expected this to be what it is so far. @e69 Menin could be the answer this season at striker, leading the team in both goals and assists. Pretty solid back line only allowing 3 goals all preseason Let's see if that can carry over to the regular season. This team will also be a challenge to break through. P. S. quit stat boosting your tackles thanksssss.

3. Portland Timbers
D1 Soul football and a few extras decided to make a team, except with a way better defense. When @JaysWayss doesn’t “lag out,“ they rarely concede goals. After exploring the trade block this week I believe they will be a better team all around. Golden Glove @Risxn will be one to watch.

4. Columbus Crew
Soccer (@LFc Montano) is back again owning and isn’t doing too bad of a job at it. Very solid midfield. I would say one of the best in the league this year with @ORod80, @Maestro l 21, @LFc Messi, and Soccer (I guess soccer). Tofske Wofsky and Diggsy up top to hit some bang-a-rangs with all the chances the midfield will give them. The Weakest part of this team that needs work would have to be the defense and no one knows what King Kane (@My mom sister) can do it net yet.

5. New England Revolution
Surprising everyone in the league with the best striker duo Bitetits and haven’t-been-relevant-striker-since-FIFA 16 @Trae Del Rey combining for 12 goals and 3 assists. If @Bitetto02 can learn how to pass opposing defenses might be even in more trouble. If they want to make it passed mid table they will have to either acquire a better defense through the transfer window, or actually train their defense to actually get a clean sheet against a team.

6. New York City FC
Pride, Duke, and Evo decided to take management on this season to try and create the super team everyone thought they would have following up being heavy favorites so far. Spending 11 million plus on Dustin limited who they could pick up leaving them to be unable to pick up Diggs. With 7 goals and 7 assists this preseason they are beginning to look like an average LG team. If they don’t pick up their ways, soon they could find themselves in the bottom half of the table.

7. D.C. United
The team who spent $14M on two keepers this season. If they can use this transfer window wisely, I think they just might find themselves in the top half of the table. Maybe spending $7M+ on Nubsy was worth it, but just like Revo, United can't keep a clean sheet. Hopefully they can find some active players and a decent defender who can help them concede less goals this season.

8. Chicago Fire
One of the worst attacks ever seen in LG history so far. 1 goal scored in 6 games total is hideous. I don’t know who you have up top, but you might want to fire them (probably management). The only reason this team isn’t in last is because just how shitty the offense is at producing and losing the ball, but the defense has only allowed 6 goals and has 3 clean sheets. Followed by a back line of Loyola (@LoLoYaBiish415), Airborne (@ARBRN INFANRY), and @denverocks, they will have to be extremely sharp this season if they even want to earn points.

9. Colorado Rapids
I was going to put Colorado at 10th because of how bad y'all would do without moneybags on the field. If y'all didn’t play 7 games, you would have only scored 1 goal total and would be looking like the worst offense like Chicago up there. That game also gave this team a tie for the worst defense back there with @Austin McA (Beckenbauer). A lot of people must be lagging when put on that D line. If Colorado doesn’t get a keeper during this transfer, they might have to force money to play in net and have the attack suffer. For everyone on Colorado, don’t ever let Bulldog play any.

10. New York Red Bulls
Honestly, I don’t know what to say about this team. You spent the majority of your money on 4 players and cheaped out on the rest. I don’t know 2 of 3 managers on that team, like never even heard of them before, and one game was won. I can't tell much from what you have since you don’t want to put stats in, but I hope this team can turn it around or it will be the next Arsenal from last season, but worse.

Thanks for reading bitches, got an earthquake so gotta bounce!

Contract negotiations stall
Agreements negated after week of wheeling and dealing

By nubsy004
LGFA Extra Time Editor/LGFA Access Co-Host
Going into Season 11 of LGFA, contract negotiations between owners and players took an unusual turn, as week-long negotiations were wiped out with a flick of the finger by the powers that be, then reinstated after rioters took to the streets.
Columbus had the toughest time this week nailing down their contracts, as Owner @LFc Montano was too busy playing video games to put any time into negotiating any multi-season deals for his Crew.
"Ain't nobody got time for that," Montano said. "I got better things to do, like play in a 12-man FIFA draft lobby at midnight. My friends needed me or we wouldn't have had even teams. Plus, I still have to perfect all my skill moves. You can never practice those enough."
Players on the Crew were disappointed in the breakdown.
"I can't believe I didn't get a 3-season deal," said @Murxdabeast. "If I would't get banned, I'd murx dat beast for not doing his job."
A little more to the east, D.C. United had its own issues, failing to come to any terms with its $14.75 million in goalkeepers — $8.75 million DeBird l 1 l and $6 million xCr4cKx Ochoa.
"I don't know what happened," said Owner @CreepyKlepto. "I sent both of them 5-season contract offers, and I guess they just don't have the dedication I am looking for."
@DeBird l 1 l and @xCr4cKx Ochoa could not be reached. Sources say they took their first paychecks and flew to Barbados for a rum tasting and unspeakable beach-side activities.
The whole league itself was thrown into limbo for a short time, as the illuminati colluded to wipe all contracts while assigning $0 deals to training camp players.
"These small men in Zorro masks stormed into the league offices, threatened to beat me with the newly-minted MLS Cup, then went into the file cabinet and stole all of the contract paperwork," said @Brisan66, LGFA Commissioner. "They took the files out to the parking lot and set them on fire while chanting, 'Not my commissioner.' It was incredible, believe me."
Not buying the Fuhrer's story, high-priced players took to the same parking lot to protest. The movement lasted a full day and ended in full-blown riots.
"I've already bought two houses, a Bentley, a Ferarri and 3 mail order brides," said @Unlucky Dustin, who signed to three seasons with New York City FC at a price of $11.25 million. "I'm also trying to get my dojo going again, because some people in this league are just plain ass. Brisan needs to get me my money before these collectors come take my new wives away."
Brisan had enough of the riots after his 2010 Toyota Prius was set on fire in the riot. Magically, he found a way to return the contracts and make the league whole again.
"We back up all our paperwork digitally on a flash drive kept in a vault at Gringotts Bank," he said. "You have to be a real wizard to destroy that information."

SATIRE DISCLOSURE: This article is not serious in nature. If you believe what you have read here, Extra Time and the LGFA relinquish all responsibilities regarding your actions. Carry on.

 

I've been hit with a curse. 10th place incoming....

 

Spot on

 

How come nubsy never writes about the legend himself, @zMayhemIV ???

 

@nubsy004 i miss these in the ahl man! Glad to see you still coming up w cool media

 

A lot of easy clean sheets if I don't lag out

 

The "Legend" is still about to be tech schooled and can't play games. Enjoy your S10 golden gloves. And gg signing up after I wrote this

 

Wish AHL was easier. 15 issues was nuts. Young Buck got that ish......

 

yuuuuuuuuuuup

 

Lmfao well done nubsy