Life in the Cage: The Padded People (Week 2)

Hey it's you! Welcome back for the second steaming hot installment of Life in the Cage. If you read my week 1 article (Thanks) you know exactly what to expect if you continue to read on. If you haven't perhaps you should bring your dumb ass up to speed before proceeding?

http://www.leaguegaming.com/forums/...e-in-the-cage-saves-and-sieves-week-1.257754/

Although the feedback for the first write up was very positive I'm making a couple of tweaks for this weeks write up.

Week 2 STUDS: Are you wearing a larger than life backpack? Are you earning a paltry amount of coin? Welcome! Sure your digitally poor but you can eat all the kudos you get here.

I'm gonna get this little trip down "kiss your ass and tell you it tastes like ice cream" lane with a guy who blatantly requested he be included in this next article. Saying "Don't be scared to add a little Ballz into your next one". Well here you go @Ballzy06. Weighting in at a measley contract value of $750,000 Ballzy has put together a solid 2 weeks so far in season 27 despite being on a team with @Zacha l 37 l . Rochester is giving the opposition a little of that slap and tickle action while Ballzy goes deep with a 83 sv% and a orgasmic 1.99 GAA. Hopefully they don't blow their load too early leaving their ladies disapointed and dissatisfied.

Next up is a tendy that got a few guys tender when he was excluded from my week 1 column getting just and honorable mention. @IVIDewMan is sliding in here like a cool refreshing drink with a similarly popular name. Both of which I might add are well paired with some ice! Speaking of ice... IVIDewman has slipped a little this week but I feel he can still recover in time so that he doesn't find himself on the wrong side of a Critique by Notorious. Your stats this week were almost as offensive as a short curly hair floating in your drink. But at only $750,000 IVIDewman is saving his team some salary cap space which at the time of this writing they were currently over. Ah San Diaaaago.


Third on my list is a goalie who plays on the "NO FLY ZONE" of AHL media. But I don't play by your rules Buck. So fuck it!!! @l Rockystar l is playing like his name indicates with a coupon clipping cap hit of only $500,000 I might add. Now I know most of you are going to be saying that he's only having a stellar season due to his involvement with the much maligned @VVaGs82 piloted Cleveland organization. Well your probably right! Shit I feel I could be racking up big W's and banging suspect drug addled groupies too if I was on Cleveland. But alas I am not and I spend most nights alone on the couch with my dog Ernie. Rocky is strumming along with an 82.6 sv% and a pyrotechnic popping 2.23 GAA. We will have to see if the "Rockstar" lifestyle is beginning to catch up with him as he has shit the bed statistically in his last 2 starts. Rockystar just don't go too far and put us all through the whole Chris Cornell thing again. What? Too soon?

Notable mentions for the right reasons: @CjC Cobras (I see you bro)


Week 2 DUDS: Woo hoo! duds time! That's right if your here you done fucked up son! Combining bad play and a possible bad contract will get you listed right here.


Right off the hop let me introduce you to a man named @l Thomps l from the Iowa Wild. You will have to excuse me if I don't get too "wild" about dropping $2,000,000 on a guy that is upper decking in Iowa this season. Squirting in at just 1-9 if he were to continue at this pace we would be seeing a steaming loaf like record of 5-40. But wait! That's not all! Call within the next 10 minutes and receive not only a GAA of 4.40 but a constipated 70.7 sv%. Ouch! Get the team an enema and then get this guy some wet wipes to clean this mess up.

Number two (pun intended) on the shit list is from San Antonio @MXR STARSKY. Now Starsky is a peculiar choice as he is earning the minimum at $500,000 but I just can't see past that fact. I'm a frugal guy and the wasting of cash just irritates me. When I make a purchase for something, anything I expect to get value. Value in the real world usually means getting the most for the least. Well right now San Antonio is not getting any value for their investment in Starsky. Oh sure they are getting plenty. Plenty of goals against. This is not what the doctor ordered. I can't be sure what is happening over there in the Lone Star state but they have gone through 3 guys in between the pipes already. Hopefully @shutthegate is the answer.

Notable mentions for all the wrong reasons: @xXx Drouin 27 x Boy you are lucky you don't have a contract! (Maybe later?)


TC HEROES: We follow that bought of depression up with a new section here at Life in the Cage. I wanted to give some acknowledgement to some guys that rarely get what they deserve. The guys that swoop in at a moments notice saving your asses from forfeitville. These guys are known as the TC Heroes! That's right TC Heroes that drop what they are doing turn on their XB1 and join a skeptical party of roster players for a 30 minute trial by fire. Most times taking a chance on an unknown CHL or TC goalie is a scary scenario but sometimes you catch lightning in a bottle and maybe discover a diamond in the rough.

This week I feature @REACHGotsMoves from Milwaukee and @AirB0rneFaTheR from St John's.

Milwaukee has had some trouble this season picking up respect and keeping pucks out of the net. But Reach has filled in "admirably" (Fuck I'm clever) in his 4 appearances picking up 3 wins and a not too bad 75.9 sv% which leads the team. Don't expect Reach to usurp @Viva La Rangers but you may want to watch your ass @Matt l85l cause you ugly.


Over in St John's is another unsung hero in the form of AirB0urneFaTher. First and foremost caps lock on or off dude! This back and forth shit is irritating. FaTher has currently flown in to save the day 9 times already this season! Dude is collecting airmiles like no ones business. It may be time to station this soldier in St John's as his record and stats are "The Bomb!" at 4-2-1 with a 80.4 sv% and 2.55 GAA. I salute you sir!


COCKHAMMERS: Also new this week is Cockhammers! A little word I made up last week that has seemed to gain some traction so I'm rolling with it. To be a cockhammer you have to be a special kind of player. A guy that presents a game so bad you would sooner hit your own knob with a ballpein hammer than have these stats.


Week 2 brings us to Wilkes Barre Scranton and the pipe protector known as @Kindl l4l. Kindl has one simple rule and the rule states "I only save 2 out of 3 shots". I assume that the Pens were aware of the rule as they appear to be able to score enough to seemingly protect Kindle and scrape out a 2-5 record with a 64.5 sv%. HAMMER!!! Also with a flattened tip should be @xXx Drouin 27 x in Toronto who has "seen" a lot of pucks this season. Seen being the key word as he seems to be mesmerized by these black discs whizzing by him at an alarming rate! Someone in Toronto should talk to the GM about removing this guy! Pardon me?... What?... He is the GM? HAMMER!!!


TAG TEAMS: Finally I want to talk tandems. Two guys that share the crease with such pinnache that one has to stand back and say DAMN!!! These dudes are good!

Our inaugural Tag Team of note comes from the @Im4thLineWorthy lead and league leading Rockford Ice Hogs. The team of @ll 7th ll and @l sergei x 91 l is doing a masterful job of stopping pucks and not giving a fuck to the tune of a 17-1 record. Here's why I love these two guys. I'm in the chatbox more than I should be scoping out the scene and making some jokes. But these two champs are taking the whole quiet modesty route rarely if ever making an appearance or giving themselves the old Barry O pat on the back (google it kids). Other than @l1l Little l8l making a sporadic appearance the whole crew is quiet. Also of note no tandem reaps these kinds of rewards without a solid group in front of them so a big thumbs up needs to go to the defensive play of Rockford also with a league leading time on attack difference (TOAD) of 73:41 and shot difference at 113. Both of those are nearly double their nearest competitor. Back to the champs though. Hogging the top of the statistic charts Sergei and 7th are ruthless on opposing goal scorers allowing just a total of 26 goals between them. Shit I have 33 against on my own! I'm extremely interested if this pair can continue this torrid pace or will the wheels fall off and we start making bacon? If these guys are for real it may be time to crown Rockford because beating them will be an incredible feat.

That's all for week 2. Thanks for reading if you made it this far then you truly are a sadist. As was the case last week and continues this week and beyond I write these just for fun and to give the community something to do while taking a shit. Please don't get too salty over the words I type. It's all for fun and I encourage and welcome your feedback.

NotoriousFAT 00

 

Don't be sad Darcy. You can't be on every article. Share the love man.

 

Did you finally get a lose stud?

 

Well didnt you go all out on this one! Love it keep it up and thanks for adding some ballz. I no alot of guys on lg like them some ballz,Zacha being one of them great article man!

 

Auggy with another great week but I didn't want to copy and paste the same article as last week so I left you on the bench.

 

good write ups man, love the writing haha

 

Rockford !!!

 

its because you share the crease with me....

 

@Im_Faces he forgot to talk about us smh that Rockford duo is overrated they barely face any shots over there

 

I wouldn't go as far as overrated... stats a little inflated? sure. but i will say they have their games that we had no business being in and ended up winning.

 

End the streak, beat Cleveland, no love. Shame on you @NotoriousFAT 00

 

Couldn't of been more right! Hoping this week the bugs get worked out. I want to be a stud this week

 

It worked for @Sanctifiy in week 1 and my write up can work for you too!

 

Preach!

 

I strive to improve each article as I move forward.