Life in the Cage: Blue Chippers and Bench Warmers (Week 5)

Discussion in 'Leaguegaming American Hockey League (LGAHL)' started by NotoriousFAT 00, Jul 1, 2017.

  1. NotoriousFAT 00

    NotoriousFAT 00 Former LG media kingpin, Wine gum lover, LG dad.

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    Welcome once again friends and foes to another weekly edition of Life in the Cage!

    *** This is for entertainment purposes only. Do your best to be a big boy/girl and keep your tender bits salt free. I really don't care if you think this is crap I enjoy it and so do the vast majority of my readers. ***

    This week I just want to start by taking the podium and addressing the great people of LG. I want to have the ear of the movers and the shakers here in the AHL. I plead with you the managers of your respective teams hear my call and heed my words. Someone please give @tomsallstars a chance. He is quite obviously the greatest blue chip prospect to sashay his way into the AHL in years! Don't believe me? Well just ask him! Or better yet look at these stats! http://www.leaguegaming.com/forums/...eam_user&userid=12951&leagueid=39&seasonid=27 Now tomsallstars or as I like to call him Tommy boy is currently the property of the Ontario Reign so I hope you have data to spare @At43 @SMS Fan 3 prepare to have your phones blow up!


    TAG TEAM:

    This weeks tag team brings us down south to Tucson Arizona where it is currently hot enough to cook food in cars and melt mail boxes. If all that heat outside wasn't enough to keep the refrigeration system working overtime at the Tucson convention center the duo of @PHJ314 and @Ranger x 28 has had a pretty solid year in the desert. Are these guys the top tandem in the AHL? No. Are they individually game changers? Again I think no. But as a team do these guys get the job done? Fuckin' right they do to the tune of a combined record of 26-17-2.

    PHJ appears to be the starter just from starts alone. PHJ hasn't lit the league on fire this season posting up a 76.9 sv% and 2.94 GAA complimented by 2 shutouts. What he does lead the league in though is terrible looking goalie equipment and great attitude.

    Ranger "international man of danger" has found himself on the LITC pages previously. This time he has made the cut in a shared capacity. Rangers stats are slightly better than PHJ's to the tune of 81.2 sv% and a 2.50 GAA and 2 shutouts. Can this pair continue to stay "hot" in the desert and lead their team to a division title?


    STUDS:

    What a week to be a stud goalie! There were some real disgusting (Did I use that word correctly young people of LG?) numbers put up this week here in the AHL. The cream of the crop appears to be finally rising to the top and we are seeing some repeat leaders.

    Guys like @Auggy32 put on the old work boots and straight went to boot fucking the opposition this week. Auggy was just not dealing with drama this week and went 5-1 beating both top teams Binghamton and Hartford. His stat line was sweet as a young Georgia peach he was munching down a 84 sv% and 2.17 GAA! I know in my week 1 article I said I had no idea who you were Auggy but I admit I see you now bro.

    Speaking of ripe peaches @Herringthefish was up to the task also in week 5. Fishy was swimming hard up stream in search of the great spawning grounds pulling in "Big ones" against Providence and Rochester. Now to be fair he also played some teams that were as well worn and likely as desirable as a 60 year old Higgins and Main prostitute. But hey he still performed and "snatched" up a 5-1 record to match his 80.6 sv% and 2.23 GAA


    Now we move from suspect pieces of ass to a man who is still beating the virtual groupies off from a couple of weeks ago. This man has only tasted defeat 1 time in the last 3 weeks and that was in overtime week 4. @l Rockystar l is again back but seriously how could I deny the Cleveland Monster after going 4-0 and smothering the competition like a mother with Munchausen syndrome? Rocky was a serious net protector saving 85.7% of shots and lowering his already great GAA with a 1.75 in week 5. Keep on rockin'!

    Noteable mentions @joek5 @LAZYKIDZinGA @NotoriousFAT 00



    DUDS:

    When you have so many studs at those heights you gotta be licking your lips in anticipation of the duds. These guys much like the studs are disgusting.... Not the good kind either.

    @CAPTAIN TURTL31 of the god awful this week Manitoba Moose (1-7-1) was hit hard by the teams recent struggles. Turtle should have stayed in his shell this week as the opposition absolutely eviscerated him handing him a collective 0-5 record. The stat line does not get any better with him turning away just 66.7 % of the shots for which he was rewarded with a 5.61 GAA. Ewwwww. After seeing that I'm assuming being disemboweled and having your protective outer skeleton used as an ashtray isn't so bad.

    @Licium Luiigi brother of Mario I assume? Is next and making his first appearance here at LITC. The former Brooklyn plumber who enjoys crushing mushrooms and squirting turtles out of their shells..... @CAPTAIN TURTL31 meet @Licium Luiigi. (I'm sure they will get along just fine) Where was I? Oh yes Mario's brother's fuckin' awful stats. Going 1-2 in a back up role (Lets keep it that way) the tall skinnier Italian collected a sv% of 64.1 and a GAA of 4.32. That is why my mustachio'd friend why you will never ever get that sweet Princess Peach pussy!


    @IX 212 XI from the Milwaukee Admirals is our final entrant here in the duds. Now if his gamertag was his GAA we wouldn't be having this conversation but it is not so here we are. 212 is not having a great season and neither are the Milwaukee Admiral's for that matter. 212 got the call for 3 games all three of which were losses. What is really bothersome is he seemed to get worse as the week went on losing 2-1, 5-2 and finally 10-2. Perhaps playing 3 games a week is too stressful? Maybe @Random Fn Hero should reduce his work load to say zero games a week? 5.68 GAA along with a "It's so far away I can barley see it anymore" 59.5 sv%.


    COCKHAMMER:

    I can't believe I'm even writing this in an AHL forum but I have a serious cockhammer for you!

    @Trinks81
    is an example of what not to do in your LGAHL virtual hockey career. Going 0-3 in his first week (week 4) San Jose figured that those stats were an anomaly and said "this guy needs 5 games in week 5"! HAMMER!!! Going 0-5 and dropping to a record of 0-8 on the season Trinks is bawwwwd. For that matter SanJose is straight booty cheeks and should probably be relegated to the CHL for season 28. Trinks forgot he was a goalie and got slapped with a 6.81 GAA and saved just 66.3% of the shots pointed his direction. Granted he did see 101 pucks during his 5 games which in it's own right should get that entire Barracuda line up a good old cockhammering. But we only serve the extra padded type here so they get a pass. Trinks I sincerely hope you find a way to fake your death before long as no man woman or in your case animal should be subjected to that kind of cruelty. HAMMER!!!!!


    Until next week.... Be BIG. Be square. Be soft!

    NotoriousFAT 00
     
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  2. JayyDubski

    JayyDubski LGCHL Director

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    Great article again Notorious :D

    Oh, and @tomsallstars GET FUCKED KID
     
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  3. Stastnyy

    Stastnyy Well-Known Member

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    Vcek I'll carry you.

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    Great article
     
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  5. Landy Byng

    Landy Byng hockey

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    Sportfreak114 They don't ask how, they just ask how many

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  7. deathstwr99

    deathstwr99 JUST GONNA SEND IT - deathstwr99 CUP CHECK

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    Good job son, I'm proud of you ranger, can't wait to see you in the Calder cup final.
     
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  8. B4NKS

    B4NKS Well-Known Member

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    @NotoriousFAT 00 dayummmmm not even an honorable mention :( jk lol I like these writeups to see all the competition
     
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  9. NotoriousFAT 00

    NotoriousFAT 00 Former LG media kingpin, Wine gum lover, LG dad.

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    Sorry B4NKS I totally missed your great week. Its difficult to see who had a good week and who had a bad week as there doesn't appear to be a way to sort stats by week. So it's a lot of going in and out of 30+ different guys stats individually.
     
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  10. Herringthefish

    Herringthefish Well-Known Member

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    Notor I love the write up, hilarious :)
     
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  11. B4NKS

    B4NKS Well-Known Member

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    haha I was kiddin man no worries plus you got me once already, like I said I like the writeups helps me keep tabs on the rest of the guys it's a nice touch, also gotta love the tag team clips
     
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  12. Vellerz

    Vellerz 2 Time Calder Cup Champ - 1 Time Playoff MVP

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    My pads are legendary. Long live the 80's.
     
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  13. NotoriousFAT 00

    NotoriousFAT 00 Former LG media kingpin, Wine gum lover, LG dad.

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    Your pads look like 2 ice cream sandwiches attached to your legs.
     
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  14. Vellerz

    Vellerz 2 Time Calder Cup Champ - 1 Time Playoff MVP

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    As one of maybe 3-4 goalies older than me in the league....I thought you'd be a little more appreciative of my choice in goalie equipment.
     
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  16. Sanctifiy

    Sanctifiy Well-Known Member

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    Thanks man!
     
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  17. Cydonian Knight

    Cydonian Knight aka Sebby

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    Hmmmm.... @Tris10 @LG McDonald, could this be a possibility? Could be good for people whom who do media to have the stats section not only by Pre-Season, Regular Season & Playoffs... but to also be able to break it down by 'Week by Week'?



    PS: <3 @joek5 Good Week, Buddy!!
     
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  18. NotoriousFAT 00

    NotoriousFAT 00 Former LG media kingpin, Wine gum lover, LG dad.

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    Wow thanks for taking the initiative. If this works it would make my 3-4 hour job into 2-3 hour job for sure.
     
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  19. Vellerz

    Vellerz 2 Time Calder Cup Champ - 1 Time Playoff MVP

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    Tag Team ... Back Again
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
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  20. NotoriousFAT 00

    NotoriousFAT 00 Former LG media kingpin, Wine gum lover, LG dad.

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    I'm conflicted. Do I write about you guys again so soon? I really wanted to spread the love. Possibly the LGAHL will get tired of you? Perhaps they will start to target you with first lines? Maybe, just maybe you guys get completely butt fucked in week 7 and Stockton moves closer to first?...... I'll be back. I have an article to write.....
     
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