Please Vote! Trade Deadline Anti-Award Update

l Bossy l x 22 · Jul 28, 2021

We're officially at the 2/3rd mark of the season, so it's the perfect time to update everyone on our Deadline Anti-Award Leaders. Might as well do this now before everyone gets traded or waived. Enjoy.

Automatic Awards

Anti-Calder/Anti-Presidents

Leader: Tucson Roadrunners
(10-42-2, 22 points, yikes)

Runner-up: Providence Bruins
(10-40-5, 25 points)
- Considering both of these dog teams are already forfeiting games before the damn deadline... It's pretty safe to assume these two teams will finish at the bottom in this order. Two important question remain: When is @LG McDonald going to put these shitters out of their misery and hand them the much deserved ban hammers to @tbeat-- @coharent killer and @nsellasyo? Also when will NHL owners start being held accountable for picking absurdly trash AHL management season after season, and doing absolutely nothing to step in while their teams are forfeiting left and right? Do us all a favor and separate the AHL from the NHL already... This league has zero integrity.

Jack A. Butterfingers Trophy
[Awarded to the least valuable player on the worst team in the league]

Co-Leaders: @coharent killer & @nsellasyo
(Their dogshit stats don't matter)
- With only 9/17 roster spots filled... The dog clowns who created this mess are the only options here... No shot they actually end up winning this award because these guys should see the banhammer ASAP for already giving up on their team. Pathetic.

Update: @Weapon311
(2-13-0, 21 points and -40)
- To the surprise of absolutely nobody... Tucson's secret Weapon was waived two weeks after being named week three's leader. I guess congratulations are in order since you're now on CHL TC, far far away from the misery of Tucson!

EmiLe Francis Trophy
[Worst team in the Eastern Atlantic]

Winner: Providence Bruins
(10-40-5, 25 points)
- A comfy 32 points behind 7th place Wilkes-Barre makes the Baby Bruins the automatic winners here... No, 32 was not a typo. Brutal.

F.G. (Teddy) "J"oke Trophy *(Formerly known as "The Broomchump Award." RIP @Broomball16)
[Worst team in the East North]

Winner: Cleveland Monsters
(14-35-6, 34 points)
- The Miserable Monsters have this award locked down... Trailing the 7th place American'ts by a sizable 19 points. #FreeDeet or we riot @Cloutkaniemi.

Richard F. "Cant"ing Trophy
[Worst team in the Eastern Conference]

Winner: Providence Bruins
-Poorovidence only trails the Miserable Monsters by 9 points for worst in the East... But that may as well be 900 points for these guys .

Sam PoLLock Trophy
[Worst team in the Western Central]

Winner: Manitoba Moose
(15-32-8, 38 points)
- I'm also ready to declare the Miserable Moose the winners here... Only 7 points behind the shitty 7th place Wolves, but I don't think they've got much of a chance to catch them (unless all of Chicago decides to run 6'9" enforcers the last three weeks, even then they still probably don't catch them).

John "No" D. Chick Award
[Worst team in the Western Pacific]

Winner: Tucson Roadrunners
- I declared these guys winners already in week 3... If you gave these guys 300 weeks, with everyone else still getting 9, they'd still win. Congrats.

Robert "No" W. Clarke Trophy
[Worst team in the Western Conference]

Winner: Tucson Roadrunners
- I couldn't rule out Manitoba for this award back in week 3... But it goes without saying that these shitbirds are officially a lock. The Desert is home to a record number of Anti-Awards, and I'm honestly tired of looking at that stupid bird holding a hockey stick.

Automatic Individual Awards
(15 GP minimum needed for award consideration)

John B. SoLLenberger Trophy
[Awarded to the forward with the least amount of points on the season]

Leader: @M A R T Y x 90
(21 points in 15 GP)

Runner-up: @MacknChel29
(22 points in 15 GP)
- There are no shortage of players who are still in the running for this award. M&M aren't particularly special, but they're in the lead for a now wide open race thanks to our previous leaders @Yzerman Returns and @Frigid Juice (waived one week after my week 3 post) letting us down big time .

Update: @Yzerman Returns
(6 points in 10 GP)
- Okay... What the actual f*ck is going on here? Buddy guy has played 1 (pointless) game since being the leader in week three?... Did absolutely dominating the vote total for most likely to win the award get in your head? Can someone file a removal complaint on their GM for not playing games? You let everyone down because you won't play the minimum number of games anyway, so you've got nothing to play for if you ever Return. Asshole.

Anti-Rocket Award
[Awarded to the player who scored the fewest goals in the regular season]

Leader: @SophisticatedX
(3 goals in 18 GP)
- Clearly goal scoring is more Sophisticated than flying into Outer Space according to this guy considering more billionaires have flown there than this dude has scored goals since week 3 (added one goal in 3 weeks). Unfortunately he likely won't win this award unless he gets called back up after clearing waivers. Brutal.

Runner-up: @M A R T Y x 90
(7 goals in 15 GP)
- Honestly, I'd normally just declare this Sophisticated guy the winner already because he has no shot of catching Marty... But unfortunately Sophisticated has unsurprisingly been waived, so he will probably join Clutch and Yzerman in utterly disappointing us for not continuing with their misery. Poor Marty doesn't deserve all of this hardware that he'll likely be getting.

Update: @AoN x CLUTCH
(1 goal in 12 games)
- Clutch played for only one week after my week three post, and unsurprisingly didn't add to his goal total... He was subsequently purged from the league after saying some racist shit, along with a few other morons. I'll touch on this subject later.

Harry "Unhappy" Holmes Memorial Award
[Awarded to the goalie who allowed the most goals during the regular season]

Leader: @FLEET GOD
(134 GA in 37 GP)

This comment from our week 3 leader surely aged about as well as these folks.

- Honestly Fleet God is having more of a mediocre season, rather than a miserable one... But he's one of just two goalies to have played the max number of games (37), and the difference between him and @IORIO EMPIRE is massive.

Runner-up: @I CAPNASTY I
(119 GA in 31 GP)
- Gotta channel my inner "cool kid" here... "Ur Capping if u think this guy is Nasty."

Bossy's Nominated Awards

UseLes Cunningham Award
[Awarded to the league's least valuable player]

Leader: @SQUADCAV16
(2-12-5 with 27 points and -21)
- Our week 3 leader is still more effective at leading for this award than he is at leading his own Moose team. He has also inexplicably played in the max amount of skater games. Perhaps you should consider the Yzerman bench yourself strategy?

Runner-up: @nsellasyo
(2-13, with 25 points and -36)
-

Eddie I'm Not "Shore" You're A Dman Award
[Awarded to the AHL's worst defenseman]

Leader: @T Hyde 62
(3-11-4, 8 points and -24)
- Top 10 worst +/-, miserable point total, and awful record. I'm definitely not Shore if you're actually a dman.

Runner-up: @tbeat--
(4-12-1, 15 points and -41)
- I'd probably give him the leader spot, but I don't want to waste yet another spot on someone who should be on LG Death Row.

Update: @uknome88
- He was literally waived the same day I posted my week 3 write-up, so he unsurprisingly hasn't played an AHL game since then. He has since gone 6-3 in the CHL, so congrats... Sort of.

Aldedge "Bad" Bastien Memorial Award
[Awarded to the league's worst goalie]

Leader: @wadesworld2112
(2-13-1 with .683 SV% and 4.78 GAA)
- Worst save percentage in the league and a miserable two wins... Certainly Wade is wishing he lived in a different world. Here's a shitty picture quality meme for your shitty season .

Runner-up: @ItzChico-_-
(5-10-1 with .696 SV% and 5.52 GAA)
- Worst GAA in the league by far for anyone who's played more than a half dozen games... Chico's only saving grace is the substantial number of forfeits that Providence is surely going to continue taking.

Update: @I KiLLTarTED I
(4-5 with .677 SV% and 3.36 GAA in week 3 to 19-8-1 with .795 SV% and 2.52 GAA)
- Holy unexpected turnaround... Killtarted and Ontario both turned their seasons around after a massive struggle the first few weeks. If not for those miserable first couple of weeks for Killtarted, he might've had a chance to be an actual Bastien candidate.

Nail Yakupov Award a.k.a. Anti-Datsyuk Award
[Awarded to the forward who least excels in the defensive aspects of the game]

Co-leaders: @Pothier x 16 & @Toeffoli
(93 GA in 17 GP for Pothier and 19 GP for Toeffoli)
- Finding himself on the Miserable Monsters after being waived... Pothier is probably the safest bet to take home this award... If by some miracle Providence stops forfeiting games, then Toeffoli would stand a great chance at beating out Pothier.

Runner-up: @I F3ROCIOUS I
(88 GA in 18 GP)
- Perhaps Fleet God has a point that there isn't much defense played in front of him. Three T-Bird forwards find themselves in the top 20 for goals against, including GM @Bush x 92 and @DiCaprio III.

Update: @Vahey x 19 & @Buznazty
(72 GA in 19 GP and 69 GA in 17 GP)
- Both of our week 3 leaders have massively improved upon the 51 GA in 3 weeks. They now find themselves outside of the top 25 worst in the league. Impressive.

Anti-Fred T. Hunt Memorial Trophy
[Awarded to the player who exhibited the lowest levels of sportsmanship and ungentlemanly conduct, combined with a low standard of playing ability]

Update: N/A
- I complained back in week 3 that there were no interesting bans, and that changed in a big way.

Co-Leaders: @Amirov l27l @AoN x CLUTCH @l KaV l @Tonesyy and @Weavss
- I don't have the specifics of what was said, but these guys were all cap banned simultaneously for saying racist shit. Enjoy your lengthy vacation, you pieces of .

The "Dud" Red Garrett Memorial Award
[Awarded to the least outstanding AHL rookie]

Leader: @EhBudden
(2-9-4, 13 points and -13)
- The worst record among all rookies, all while playing on a mediocre Baby Pens team... It's impressive that this guy is somehow having a worse season than the Manitoba guys.

Update & Runner-ups: About Half of Manitoba @Rofano @Fialah @Woodhands8 @Spooky Gabagool@RouxLikeThat28 @I SK1PP I & @GunnaFlip
- Only Woodhands has been spared from the Manitoba "Mess" via waivers. The rest are still struggling to various degrees of misery, but Rofano, Fialah and Gabagool clearly lead the way and are in a three way tie for the runner-ups.

The Mike Milbury Award [Awarded to the least outstanding management team in the regular season]

Winners: Tucson Roadrunners
(@coharent killer & @nsellasyo)
-

Dishonorable Mention: Providence Bruins
(@tbeat-- @UNREAL KILLER B @Toeffoli)
- Any other season, and these guys would be the clear winners.