*HIGHLY ANTICIPATED* Turtle Time Report Week 1!!!!!

Alright boys and girls, the moment you've all been waiting for is upon us. TURTLE TIME REPORT 1st Edition Holographic Collectors Edition Limited Run!!!!!! A.K.A the first time I've ever wasted time attempting to do something media-wise for this community ever. Welcome, and I hope you actually attempt to read if you've even made it this far.

If you couldn't already tell by the name because you're one of the non-elites in the league when it comes to intelligence, this report is going to focus on the slow starts and chill-like qualities that teams are exhibiting thus far as a whole and individually so if you cant take the heat, buy an air conditioner and stop being so damn cheap....or stop reading this.

I'm not going to break it down by division, WE"RE DOING IT LIVE. ALL AT ONE TIME!
I'm going to kick it off by pointing out the incredibly slow start by LG's Media team in not even interviewing someone with the sick media talent like myself by now and instantly locking that shit down, I'm not sure about you, but I'm thinking it just may be too late to apologize...too late.

Now lets get to these awful starts to the actual teams in the league, saving the worst for last of course!

Chicago Wolves :

now before all you fanboys have an aneurism, yes I'm aware their record is respectable at a current 4-3 and lets not forget about that worst for last stuff I was throwing out literally one sentence ago. They're only on my Turtle Report because they have not lived up to the hype that they were given since the Management was named, people were saying Wolves for Calder before I even knew the season was starting...so yeah, better start delivering in the W's section of the standings if you're going for that Calder Chicago.

Bridgeport Sound Tigers :

Let's be serious people...with a GM as well respected and highly praised in skill as @premierplayer...I don't understand why this team isn't leading their division, whether or not that was sarcasm is open to interpretation for any clarifications, feel free to contact the shoutbox. But in all seriousness, sitting at a 3-5 record at the moment has to be a hard pill to swallow for @premierplayer based off of the praise he was giving his team and its look during the preseason and their Goal differential compared to the rest of their division is pointing towards that 3-5 record being a generous one.

Iowa Wild :

The fact that Iowa is sitting at a 2-6 record at the bottom of their division is extremely confusing to me...not only because their line up looks solid on paper, but because the Colorado Eagles are also in their division and they were in high contention to be dead last in total standings, or at least be last in the Western Central. Remarkably, they are sitting at a record of 3-5 and dodge their own dedicated article in this edition of Turtle time due to the unknown circumstances of the crumbling of Iowa's Week 1 performance thus far.

San Antonio Rampage :

Yeah that's right, let the bashing of my own team commence. We deserve to be here and I'm one of the main reasons why. The dream line of yours truly @YoImCory, @Joeynova22 the number 1 vocal coach and cheerleader of the league and the newest addition to my knowledge of players that exist in LG @Brahma_Bull14 have started off with the dream record of 0-3 contributing to the overall team record of 2-5 thus far according to the standings sheet, bringing us into a comfortable division placing of 6th. Will we iron out the issues that we may have and put up some W's or have we just been getting unlucky the 1st week? Or will the 0-24 dream record finally be obtained by yours truly....YoImCory due to more interest in turtles than his own LG performance? Stay tuned to find out.

Hershey Bears :

Bringing up the rear of the Eastern Atlantic with a division leading 36 Goals against in 7 games is the Hershey Bears. I'm not sure what's going on in Hershey when it comes to their defense and goaltending but that may just be because no one is doing either. I didn't plan on really being too harsh on anyone but that's a special kind of DID I JUST READ THAT RIGHT? 5+ GAA per game...if that's not a rough week I'm not sure what is...and when I look at their roster and see some names I'm familiar with personally when it comes to drops and clubs it leaves me scratching my head. Pick it up Bears...shake off that 1st week and don't let me see you in this report again.


SUPER TURTLE ALERT!!!!!

That's right...Worst for last...that's how it works right? Anyways....this Opening 1st edition of Turtle Time calls for not only one SUPER TURTLE but actually 2!!! Which is the bottom tandem of the Eastern North Division the Syracuse Crunch and the Laval Rocket . The fact that the Crunch are sporting a record of 1-5-1 thus far must be a little unsettling. There is definitely room for improvement in Syracuse and potential with the people who are producing but not getting the W's quite yet. Laval Rockets almost earned the SUPER TURTLE award themselves with an extremely bleak league leading low 7 Goals For. But,seeing as they only have 35 goals against which isn't worse than the league leading Bakersfield Condors with 40 Goals Against...I'll cut them the slack and pair them with Syracuse . Honestly...I just really wanted to give out a double award, so they probably deserve it themselves but I'm dead set on a double award so that's how it's gonna be.




***IN CONCLUSION***

I hope you made it this far and liked what I had to say, keep an eye out on some of the things I've pointed out, use it to your advantage while making lines, use it for comedic relief or shoutbox chirping, or don't use it at all...I don't care about you, I care about turtles. Feel free to comment any criticism good or bad or post some cool pictures of turtles as well. This was YoImCory with your ***possibly if i feel turtley enough for the turtle club***weekly Turtle Time Report. I Like Turtles and I'm Out.

 

not enough talk about milwaukee

 

Gonna have to get that win percentage below .500 next week then. Start slacking.

 

Phew, the Griffins didnt make the cut

 

Respect it. Good read

 

My Tigers are 4-5. Do you even fact check.

 

*SOUNDtigers
Respect the fucking sound

 

Report was made before Wednesday's games, do you even fact check?

 

I don't know the circumstances you were under at the time but posting a Week 1 report before the week ends defeats the purpose of the piece.

 

It's simply a report that covers slow starts and chill-like qualities...players only get 3 games a week and teams can exhibit bad performances that only 1 win could not save even if it were an end of week report, which if you read the terminology I thought that the use throughout like "at the moment" and "currently" should be able to give the idea that I was well aware the week was not over...guess some minds here are turtley too.

 

Sure, still didn't think it was out of place to point it out considering certain inaccuracies, it's an opinion piece, just giving you mine.

You seem to like turtles so i take that as a compliment my friend, you have a very porcupine-y attitude.

You know what you get when you cross a turtle and a porcupine? A SLOW-POKE.

 

Not enough talk about turtles and shit.